Horoscopes

Aries- Do not fall for the tricks of a faulty god. Any real god will shave your whole body to make sweaters.

Taurus- Effective immediately all first names will be changed to Bat.

Gemini- It is physically impossible to see the world, or find an old-fashioned girl. The world is invisible and women are not real.  

Leo- Perhaps you have been swallowed by a dragon and that’s why everything around you feels surreal and fabricated.

Virgo- Nothing says you have an open mind like tweeting about how much you hate immigrants.

Libra- The only reason to be friends with anyone ever is if they have a very cute dog.

Cancer- Girl, interrupted. Boy, talking over her. Lizard, in the background.

Sagittarius- Imagine, if you will, a haunted jacket. The jacket wants to do the Macarena. Do not let the jacket do the Macarena.

Capricorn- There is no greater privilege than being able to choose the brand of toilet paper you purchase and not worrying about price.

Scorpio- It’s called passive aggression, and you might wanna try it.

Aquarius- If you’ve ever wondered if birds can tap dance, I am here to tell you that they definitely can. In nightmares, at least.

Pisces- When starting discourse about underwater plants, please use scientific names.