Horoscopes

Aries~ Anyone who tells you that your dreams aren’t worth following is probably correct. Dreams are rarely valuable in capitalist societies.

Taurus~ Open some tabs and use some more emojis, people think you’re boring.

Gemini~ Oh, dear sweet baby gorilla. Oh mystery of life, oh lackaday.

Cancer~ Clawing your way to the top is much easier if you can animorph into something with cool claws. A dragon maybe, or a gecko.

Leo~Sweater season is nigh, and those around you are getting hotter hotter. Shut it down. Pound the alarm.

Virgo~ Right about now, you’re going to start wishing nobody knew anything about anyone. Ever. Be safe.

Libra~ The injured golden boy is rising again in the hearts of tiny corn fed women, and you could be next.

Scorpio~ Monarchs are a much bigger deal in central Illinois, but the birds here are much bigger, so it seems like a fair trade.

Sagittarius~Hello, welcome to the cave, no shirt, no shoes, but you still get service, because we are in a cave.

Capricorn~I’ve been alerted that no one here is a Capricorn. Better luck next time I suppose.

Aquarius~ There is no good reason to like another person unless you’re interested in political alliance to stop the coming war.

Pisces~ Skin care tips include bathing in lemons and slipping into a coma.