August horoscopes

Aries– It’s neither who nor whom. Nobody is there. Are you feeling okay?

Taurus-Fasten your seatbelts gentlemen, the captain has just turned on the”Bigfoot Sighting” sign. Things could get nasty.

Gemini– How much more fun would we all be having if the color was called peritinkle instead of periwinkle?

Cancer– Frogs probably can’t use regular slides because their butts are too sticky. Did you ever think about that? No, you only think about yourself.

Leo– Put your best face forward! No, not that one. Not that one either. Maybe you should find some new faces.

Virgo– There is nothing more soul-cleansing than watching characters you love beat each other to pulps.

Libra– Tom Sellick would never admit that he’s flushed soap down the toilet, but look at the man. Of course he has.

Scorpio– Chronicle your grave digging adventures by starting a youtube unboxing channel of the coffins you unearth.

Sagittarius– Nothing says class like Bobbi Brown flip flops and drinking San Pellegrino in the laundromat parking lot.

Capricorn– Why would anyone ever sit anywhere other than a chair that they will quickly be evicted from? The answer will surprise you.

Aquarius– The word forget and the word ghost aren’t similar even a little bit.

Pisces-The word ghost and the word goat, however, are very similar. A little too similar.