Obscure Pizza Toppings Ranked

Garrett Brown, MVC writer and photographer

Pizza: the infinitely creative dish, for those courageous enough to try it. See, pizza’s only rule is that it has to have a constant base, but the toppings can be anything edible. Most people confine their available toppings to some meats, vegetables and sometimes the controversial addition of pineapple. I am not most people. I have tried pizza toppings that make people gag at their mention, including but not limited to cookies and fruits, and I am hoping that others who also love creative and crazy things might find this fun and interesting as well.

The base I used for all of these pizzas consisted of a crust, tomato pizza sauce, and cheese. Though the brand of dough, sauce, and cheese may have varied, this vague outline of a base remained constant throughout my experimentation. Some people have suggested that I use a dessert pizza base for some of the toppings I have tried. They are probably correct in that it may sound more appealing, but I must make it clear that I have not changed the base in any significant way.

The inspiration for this experience was sparked by the pineapple controversy. I do enjoy the Hawaiian fruit on pizza, and I wondered what it would be like to use more fruits as toppings. I jokingly said that I was “trying to out-pizza the hut.” My journey began with thin slices of apples and bananas. As I got access to more fruits, I added plum, strawberry, watermelon, picasso melon, kiwi and raisins. Every fruit topping I have tried so far has not depreciated the flavor of the pizza; the familiar taste of the pizza’s base onto which the toppings add flavor. That is except for the raisins; I suspect that it was their lack of juice that I did not enjoy.

In late 2021, I decided that I should not limit myself to just adding fruits, so I decided that I wanted spaghetti and meatball pizza for my birthday. The spaghetti pizza was a hit with the whole family, but I do not think they would ever even think about trying any of my other topping combinations. That was the final blow to the dam that held me back from trying rare and unusual toppings. One of my favorites of these abnormal additions was crumbled Oreos, and it recurred several times.

Some toppings were great on pizza, but I only got to try them once. I enjoyed jelly beans, crumbled candy canes, pulverized blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers and crushed Fritos. The jelly beans and Jolly Ranchers added a nice artificial fruit flavor, and the candy canes added a hint of minty flavour. Such sweet toppings made people suggest a sweet base. Often, their reasoning is that they would be ruined by the savory tomato sauce and cheese, but that hypothesis is not revealed to be true in practice.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, I tried some pizzas that I would not recommend. I put Kraft macaroni and cheese on a pizza, but I added the topping straight from the pot; I think that made it overcook in the oven. I once tried almonds, which were not terrible, but I did not like it on the pizza. The worst pizza I made used saltwater taffy and Smarties candy. It looked like a mess and tasted even worse.

The last category of toppings I would like to cover is toppings I have yet to try. I had a large quantity of Pop Rocks that I planned to put on a pizza, but they were all eaten before I got the chance. After I showed a picture of one of my pizzas to somebody, they suggested that I try sawdust, and though it was clearly a joke, some sawdust is edible and can be used as a substitute for flour in the crust. I am also a big fan of cinnamon, so I intend to try that on a pizza as well. Another idea I have is to put on eggs, bacon, and sausage to create a breakfast pizza.

If anybody is having a make your own pizza night, they are welcome to invite me, but they should be warned that they are in for a wild ride.

Pizza with plums, strawberries, and pineapple chunks.
Kraft macaroni and cheese pizza.
Pizza with thin mint cookies and sliced apples.
Sliced apples, bananas, sausage, and pineapple on a pizza.
Pizza with jelly beans, oreo crumbles, pepperoni, and Canadian bacon.
Watermelon, picasso melon, and pepperoni as toppings.
Spaghetti and meatball pizza.
Pizza with saltwater taffy and smarties candy; a huge mistake.