Horoscopes

Aries-This month’s theme is garbage peach.

Taurus- There is a very large difference between geckos and faeries, but you don’t need to be told that now, do you?

Gemini-You can’t make up your own nicknames, but you can do something so ridiculous that other people have no choice but to give you a nickname.

Cancer-Google image search tabby cats in cabbie hats might be the only thing that will get you through this week.

Leo-Someone is a fancy boy. Not you, of course. But somebody.

Virgo-Refrain from entering areas that are prone to flooding and large groups of people who eat ketchup from the bottle.

Libra-Can you feel George Michael? He’s there. He’s with you. Keep him safe.

Scorpio-There is no need to be afraid, the grapefruits will whisper to you from somewhere in the woods.

Sagittarius-If a feather brushes your cheek, drifting gently on the summer wind, it’s just the faeries saying hello. You probably won’t even get lyme disease.

Capricorn-Don’t let them take your catchphrase. You earned that, and must guard it with your life.

Aquarius-There are so many things nowadays that look like flowers but aren’t flowers. Don’t let yourself be one of them.

Pisces-The only one capable of fulfilling you is certainly not yourself. What mumbo jumbo was your grandmother even talking about.