People often ask me how they can easily obtain an insurance payout in a morally-questionable way. I tell them that doing so is simple; just get run over by a wheelchair. Here are some tips:
- Be in a crowded or cluttered environment
The first thing to understand when trying to get run over is that it is difficult to get an observant driver to unintentionally commit an act of vehicular assault. To increase the probability of the contrary, introduce as many distractions and moving objects as possible. Doing so will result in the wheelman feeling overwhelmed, thus lowering their perception of the world around them while simultaneously increasing the amount of adrenaline being sent to their dopamine receptors; these two attributes should ideally work in tandem to significantly reduce the driver’s peripheral vision, thereby raising the likelihood of an accident.
- Obscure the driver’s vision however possible
Attentive wheel-watchers can easily remain unfazed in the face of constant clutter. They can bide their time and wait for the clouds to clear; how else would rush hour not be considered an everyday tragedy? However, one cannot drive if they cannot see; for avid insurance fraudsters, that is one of the core tenets of their craft. A tried and true strategy of this nature is to lower the light level as much as possible, bonus points if a blindfold is used to achieve this effect as the driver will not be able to adjust to the light level.
- Be very helpful
To some, the following step may seem a little counterintuitive, but this is crucial for the plan’s execution. In order for a driver to listen to one’s demands of being vehiculary assaulted, it is recommended that the victim should be very open to assisting them with directions. That way, the wheelman will feel indebted to the assistant and will be sure to accept their request. Optimally, helping a disabled driver should be done via hitching on the back of the vehicle and leaning right up to their ear; really make sure that they will be able to hear you, then scream directions as loud as possible while they are driving. Doing so can greatly aid those who are hard of hearing, and just in case they are still unable to hear the request, ensure that phrases are repeated multiple times in an overly-panicked tone to increase their levels of anxiety; ideally increasing in volume each time. If they still refuse to heed the request, even after help is administered, start screeching random sounds into their ear using the method dictated earlier in order to throw them off. Then; unprompted, jump in front of their wheelchair, there is a high chance that they will accidentally run over you while they are distracted.
- Block entry- or walkways
The final step to this definitive guide is to block any and all areas that the driver can use to proceed, this can be done via constructing a line of people from wall to wall whose sole purpose is to walk in front of them. Eventually, they should run out of patience and decide to either elicit methods of crowd control or break the line by use of force.
Four steps is all that is needed, and with those, even common folk can commit a sixth-level felony.
