One of my friends asked me the question, “If you were left on a deserted island, given nothing and asked to fend for yourself for seemingly the rest of your days, what would you do?” To which I quickly responded, “Without my wheelchair? Oh, I’d die in seconds without my wheelchair. I’d be unable to stand up for myself.”
Of course, my friend laughed, but; after that, I got to thinking: What could I actually do? I sat on that scenario for a while, pondering it heavily, thinking about all of its specifics and intricacies. That is until I came upon the realization that, in order for this to not be morbidly depressing, I would need to suspend some of my disbelief. Maybe the salt levels in the water were low enough for it to be consumable, perhaps; despite my physical incapabilities, I am able to climb a nearby coconut tree for food. Then, the inch I gave myself to work with suddenly and majestically morphed into a mile. In other words, I came to the conclusion that reality is for nerds. Then, my imagination, unlike myself, began to run wild.
First things first: as soon as I arrive on the island, I will spend all of my first day digging through its sands, feverishly searching for any raw uranium deposits they may possess. If I find any — and this is very important; the entire plan hinges on this one occurrence — I will dump it into the ocean in order to increase its radioactivity levels. Then, I wait until some fish swim by, once they are exposed to enough radiation, the fish should start growing human limbs. With their newfound mobility, the fish will inevitably arrive on land, in which case I will take them in as my own; mentoring and educating them. During this process, I may or may not insert some slight amounts of subliminal messaging, touting that I am their ruler, chosen by that of divine right; possessing claims of righteousness over Earth’s every realm. After this occurs, the groundwork that is necessary for a theocratic regime with myself at its center will be laid. The island shall be named Maxwellistan, after my surname. Following the establishment of my regime, I will then force the indoctrinated fish to found the island’s military, called the Maxwellistan Liberation Army. This is when the fun begins.
See, in this scenario, even though I am stuck on an island, I am still a citizen of the United States. With this knowledge in mind, I will order the fish to build a small boat which I will use to sail back to the American mainland. Once I do, I will begin a presidential campaign for the next upcoming election, using the resources of the great regime of Maxwellistan to further it along. Some may decry my plan for election as they believe that I fail to meet the age requirements to run for presidential office, to which I will say: I am running a theocratic police state, I do not think democratic legislature poses much of a challenge to my ambitions. Anyway, after circumventing the requirements for holding a position in politics, I will begin my campaign. It will be charged with vibrant, abrasive, and slanderous language; this is with the goal of captivating the people to such an extent that they begin to question their government, turn on each other and long for my consolidated style of rule, believing the slow and inefficient system of bureaucracy and meritocracy to be ineffective.
Once I inevitably win the presidential election, I will begin the process of transferring all power, resources, wealth, and citizens of the United States to that of Maxwellistan’s, even folding the United States’ military into the M.L.A, granting our armed forces an immense level of strength. After this is completed, I will use the newly-acquired network of military bases to take over the world, starting with conquering the rest of North America. Now; clearly, this step is unnecessary, as it already has “America” in the name, so that means it is already our territory; same goes for everything in South America. For Europe, though, things are going to be a little more difficult. I will begin my campaign with a change in strategy. See, with the current situation regarding the ongoing war in Ukraine, Russia seems a little vulnerable at the moment. I will use this to my advantage, exploiting the opportunity by rushing to Moscow while their defensive units are preoccupied. If Wagner was almost able to do it, what is stopping me from achieving the same? Once my forces convince the Kremlin to capitulate, I will annex all of their internationally-recognized territory, effectively liberating all of Ukraine from them in the process.
After the war concludes, I will instigate another one of my classic maneuvers: intervening in foreign elections. I will appoint one of my own cabinet members to serve as a candidate for the next election of the European Union. I will then gently nudge the election to make sure they win. Once the aforementioned candidate does, I will send out an order to begin the process of ratifying as many nations as possible into the bloc, including the recently-liberated Ukraine. Following the completion of this lengthy process, I will begin the transfer of power from the European Union to Maxwellistan, effectively mirroring the events which I acted upon the United States.
As for Asia, if I were to ask any American-speaking American what country in Asia I am pointing to on a map, that individual would probably say China every single time, regardless of which one I picked, so the only natural conclusion to draw here is that China owns all of Asia.
This presents quite a challenge for me, as the continent possesses an overwhelming majority of both the human population and overall landmass. My only option is to team up with the Chinese regime, although the country is still an authoritarian state so it is not that much of a loss of face. The Soviets and the Germans teamed up during the second World War; I am sure that went well. Even if it does not, there is nothing stopping me from sweetening the deal back home by using my propaganda department. Maybe something like, “The two nations are as close as lips and teeth,” which will, for obvious reasons, bolster homegrown approval of the alliance.
After becoming China’s ally, I will turn my attention to the global south, more specifically Africa. Some may say conquering such a culturally diverse continent will prove difficult, but those same people have seemed to have forgotten that Africa is just one country; it has just a few government buildings to ambush. All I need to do is kick the door down and the region will be mine. Logically, the next course of action to take would be to initiate a special military operation to save the continent from their oppressors, and such a maneour begins by landing on the area itself. The M.L.A will achieve this by instigating an amphibious invasion of the continent through the Mediterranean Sea to the northernmost reaches of Africa. D-Day was one of the deadliest offenses in human history? Well, did it eventually lead to Germany’s surrender? Just throw more bodies at the problem, soldiers are all just pawns in my intricate game of geopolitical chess. If too many of them die, even for the country’s leadership to admit, I will just make that date of which it ends a national holiday wherein I glorify the hardships of human suffering whilst parading armed, baby-faced conscripts throughout the city center.
The operation, while costly, ends up succeeding, allowing my forces to swiftly overwhelm the opposing nation’s government once those brave men landed on foreign soil. The numbers and nitty-gritties of all the war’s individual atrocities will erode over time, being romanticized, patriotized, and justified however the nation sees fit. Now that I have conquered Africa, I’m beginning to get suspicious, even paranoid of my ally, China. It does not sit right with me that my adversary even has the slightest of potential to challenge my hegemony. Oceania, the Pacific, and Antarctica are still up for grabs. What if that is the tiny balance of power necessary to finally tip the scale out of my favor? I need to find a way to rid China of this opportunity for my nation’s sake; however, any uncolonized land seems much too far from home, and I worry I will not have enough time for any major political maneuvers.
So, I devise a plan. See, Maxwellistan’s economy has been in a bit of a slump lately, and I believe that the most convenient way to fix this complicated conundrum, with several consequences tied to and varying factors influencing it, is to rapidly industrialize as fast as possible, that way Maxwellistan’s military can outperform that of its competitor’s. A few months down the road, after the policies have been fully put into effect, I will begin propping up the M.L.A along the edges of the Eurasian border. Several weeks go by, and China will do the same. Upon seeing my once-adversary commit such a brazen violation of international law, I determine the only reasonable response is to cut ties and declare war.
The war goes smoother than I thought, as it seems as if China had never thought to build up their military to the extent of mine. Some may think that this constitutes signing a peace agreement with or apologizing to China in some way, but that would be a monumental embarrassment for the state; too late to turn back now. I guess the only real way to fix this mistake is by rolling an unimaginable amount of tanks and military equipment through the country and wiping this event from history. It is dangerous to have people questioning the party, after all. Even after the conflict, the undying thirst of ambition remains within me, and so I shall now finish what I started. Upon this realization, I ordered an expedition crew to the Pacific, granting the participants a decently-sized stockpile of military equipment and dictating the objective of colonization to the group as they set off in search of new lands. However, after years of waiting, the crew failed to report back to the mainland and communication between the explorers and the state abruptly ended just days earlier.
Thinking of the worst-case scenario, that the crew had taken the lands of a potential colony for themselves in hopes of founding a new rebel province, I will send several divisions of the M.L.A to search for the explorer’s along their supposed route. After a few weeks passed, the servicemen reported that the ship had sank due to a lack of supplies. A sergeant who embarked on the search mission recalled smelling the distinct scent of industrial smog coming from somewhere in the northwest, probably Nagasaki. A map the explorers used for the expedition was recovered from the wreckage, the group’s exact location should have been an island’s main service port; land was not seen for several hundred miles in all directions.
So, in conclusion, if I were left on a deserted island, given nothing, and asked to fend for myself for seemingly the rest of my days, this is what I would do.
