There are many people who believe that they should be the center of attention, that every tiny, little aspect of their lives should be meticulously documented and studied. I am here to say that those people are idiots. They have it all wrong. They are not that person, I am.
I know, I know; it is a hard pill to swallow. After all, seeing a walking example of human perfection is not an everyday occurrence, but it is the reality we all live in nonetheless. I have reasons for believing this; I am no rambling hack, and there are mountains of irrefutable evidence supporting my theory.
The most apparent of these facts is thus: my mere existence has made the highest of powers shudder and cower in fear. So much so that the gods believed it was fit to physically handicap me. They stood in awe at the sight of my sheer intellect and artistic talent; the only choice they were left with was to disadvantage me concretely. I constantly face the moral dilemma of whether or not to bestow my wealth of knowledge to peers of mine. I fear what consequences I could face. Prometheus gave mankind knowledge of the gifts that fire possessed, and look how he turned out.
However, there are still ways that I have managed to use my handicap to my advantage. For starters, my aforementioned peers have to pass exams in order to drive the vehicles they use to traverse their surroundings, I do not. I put myself in reverse and backed out of my mother’s c-section as a daring act of defiance derived towards the deities who have disadvantaged me. I have no need for a license, I have driven since birth. On the topic of learning how to drive, parallel parking is a struggle for many, I just call it “moondriving.” I had mastered my craft; I was just too good.
But alas, the gods had another trick up their sleeve; they obscured my vision so that it would be harder for me to drive. A sound solution, except, they forgot about one thing: I am me, and I am not the kind of person to just sit there without fighting back. I got the biggest glasses I could find, a trivial task considering my incredible intellect, and, just like that, I had circumvented their cowardly concoction meant to keep me from the greatness I possess.
Currently, I have been attempting to amass an arsenal of artistic expertise, my most prominent being my attempts at film-making and music production. My knowledge knows no bounds, and my creative prowess remains unmatched. I also consider myself to be quite the funnyman, a bit of a standup comedian, some could even say. With such riveting social commentary as, “Spend a day walking in someone else’s shoes? Boy, I wish!” who would disagree with the assertion that I am a true Renaissance man, enriched with knowledge of the arts and a deep understanding of popular culture?
My hope is that someday, all those who read this masterfully-crafted, subtly-written piece will be enlightened with the fact that I am the person whom I claim to be. Like I said, I am no rambling hack, and I have now presented several paragraphs worth of evidence accrediting my conclusion.
