Horoscopes

Aries- The clacking is so great that it seems it may overwhelm you. You look up, and are blinded by your love. “Daddy?” you ask innocently. The figure above you snorts. “Do I look like-” but time takes away the rest of the sentence.

Taurus -It is clear that you only want a girl who is committed to her religion, attends it’s events, and reads her religious scripts.

Gemini – To have a knife in the hand is to have a mother screaming at you as you sprint around an above ground pool.

Cancer – The cheese of truth blames you for immigrants.

Leo – There is a whisper, and then flames. A tongue of fire reaches for you, and the voice of God crawls into your ear like a parasite; “You better stop.”

Virgo – The road may or may not work ahead. One can only hope.

Libra- The sand is a precious commodity. It may require a guardian, of whom even Poseidon himself quivers before.

Scorpio – It is difficult to obtain the funds to purchase chicken nuggets in this economy.

Sagittarius – Doritos may soon be sufficient payment, and function the same way as a credit card.

Capricorn- Your friend Richard flings your favorite frisbee across a freeway. It disappears, as does your friendship with Richard.

Aquarius – There is so much violence, too many lives thrown into chaos. There is the smack of a human head against tile, and you cry out, “Can I get a waffle? Can I please get a waffle?”

Pisces – You are so proud of your accomplishments, Todd. But nobody cares. Not about you, not about varsity football, not about anything.