Horoscopes

Aries – It’s not a date if neither of you choke violently on Italian food.

Taurus – You can’t say that here, this is public property. On your own property, however, no one can stop you.

Gemini – If at first you are consumed by a fire set by your vengeful ex wife, rise, rise again to seek the ultimate revenge.

Cancer – Put on some real shoes, go out dancing. For tonight, and only tonight, the world is whole.

Leo – You must expand your universe, allow it to engulf every inch of this earth. This causes time to compress, and nothing will matter any longer.

Virgo – Don’t let go. Do not let go. You cannot live forever, but that should not stop you from trying.

Libra – No shorts, no jorts, no embarrassing stories of how you once were a king but were overthrown by your eldest son.

Scorpio – Never loudly exclaim, or someone may look at you strangely, and then you’ll have to fall on your own sword to protect your family’s honor.

Sagittarius – Take a deep breath in. When you breath out, allow all of the words you are clinging to exit with it. You are here. Nobody else. Breathe your secrets just a bit louder, so the government can hear.

Capricorn – Any headaches forming will be a sign of your demise. Watch for this.

Aquarius – CIA leaders have all been hiding evidence of aliens, so when are we going to be talking about that in the news is the real question.

Pisces – The highest peak of the mountain belongs to you, but only if you are willing to climb up there and take it.