May Horoscopes

Aries- Listen to the trembling winds, for they bring news of your future.

Taurus – All is not lost. Most is lost, though. Most is lost.

Gemini- If faces appear in the rugs beneath your feet, tread lightly. You may scare them.

Cancer- Honey mustard for the soul, ketchup for the skin, mayonnaise for your friends.

Leo – The jungle. The mighty jungle. The lion never sleeps, only waits.

Virgo – Invest in Doritos® , before they invest in a chainsaw execution arena.

Libra- If you are being led to the Doritos® chainsaw execution area, remember, it is bad, but you must respect the president’s decisions.

Scorpio- Everything you have ever been, and ever will be, is determined by how many fires you have set, both arbitrarily and out of spite.

Sagittarius- Contently drinking milk from a bottle, the orangutans are not attacking. This will not last forever, and you are advised to be prepared.

Capricorn- Please, for the love of god, do not eat the speech banana.

Aquarius- To the ends of the earth and back, and still you have not found what you were looking for. What is it you were looking for? Oh god, you can’t even remember.

Pisces- It may appear that you have hit rock bottom, but it could be worse. You could dye your hair purple and buy a dog and name it Butt. That could always happen.