March Horoscopes

Aries- Your destiny is conveniently located in the woods just off exit 85 on the highway.

Taurus- Do you feel uncomfortable in public? Come to my house.

Gemini- I can confirm that there are no ghosts in this area. Well, kind of confirm. I can not confirm that. You should leave.

Cancer- What is happening? Is this an interview? I was not prepared for an interview.

Leo- Get your filthy rodent hands off of my ginger ale.

Virgo- Swallow a fish hook, scream into the void, do whatever you want.

Libra- A great stress reliever is trying to control birds with your mind. Maybe that is your calling. You will never know until you try.

Scorpio- Stop saying crusty. It is not cute or funny, and nobody likes you more for it.

Sagittarius- Whatever else happens this week, at least McDonald’s has throwback Wednesday.

Capricorn- Have you ever noticed that all of Dick Cheney’s teeth look like they were stolen from a tiny horse?

Aquarius- You catch more flies with sugar than you do with concrete.

Pisces- How many friends with the names of continents do you have? Probably too many.