Aries- The government can do all kinds of things. All of the things they choose to do, however, are bad.

Taurus-You will soon have a deep undying love of the post office ingrained so deeply into your being that it will seem strange that it was not always there.

Gemini- Fill the holes in your heart with the yellow part of devilled eggs.

Cancer-Stop thinking about Ohio. You cannot, but you must. Stop. Stop thinking about Ohio.

Leo- The stars will trade you six Legos for your mom’s orange lipstick.

Virgo- All Virgo citizens will soon be drafted into the Willow Smith Hotdog Eating and Modern Art Museum, where they will be forced to consume hot dogs and make modern art for the pleasure of the masses.

Libra- Do not agree with someone because you can. Agree with them because wars are good for business.

Scorpius- The land of the dead is waiting with open arms. The land of the dead is surprisingly friendly.

Sagittarius- It’s your season! Your seasoning, however, is dill.

Capricorn- Dib dab. How much did you spend on that lipgloss? Too much, perhaps, or not enough.

Aquarius- They always ask when things will go on sale, never how they go on sale.

Pisces- It is what it is what it is, and nothing more will be accepted past Tuesday.